Two Perfect Days in France

It’s been over a month since we arrived in France, and I’m getting antsy. I feel the three months of our allotted stay ticking by while we’re sequestered away in a tiny apartment, under a lockdown that was recently extended until May 11. Breathing in the spring air from a secluded garden while yearning for the fields of Provence, the Mediterranean coast, and the majestic Alps can feel like torture. But, while I yearn for the splendor of long-anticipated wonders, my eyes have been uniquely drawn to the equally breathtaking beauty that surrounds us every day: diamond dew drops trembling on flawless spider webs, the intricate patterns and shading of each flower petal, irridescent wings on mayflies, soft clouds of orange pollen coating the legs of buzzing honeybees. While strolling down the driveway with a bag of recycling, the beauty of the late-afternoon sunlight playing on an ancient moss-covered stone wall brings tears to my eyes. How long has it been since life was slow enough and simple enough to stop, to notice the myriad small gifts that surround us on every side, and to give thanks for them?

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Years ago I started Anne Voskamp’s 1,000 Gifts challenge in an empty notebook. For a little while I regularly jotted down small blessings that I wouldn’t normally notice, in an attempt to capture 1,000 of God’s gifts to me. But the exercise was soon swallowed up in the busyness of life before it ever had a chance to become habit. Two months of lockdown, on the other hand, is plenty of time to form some long-haul habits. And daily gratitude is one of the most important. Max Lucado says that gratitude keeps us focused on the present, instead of allowing worry to scatter our thoughts and our concentration in a dozen different directions.

Corrie Ten Boom and her sister Betsie gave thanks for the fleas in Ravensbruck concentration camp. Their barracks were so infested that the guards refused to enter, and so the sisters were able to read the Bible twice a day to their fellow inmates. Even Jesus, knowing that the hour of His deepest suffering was at hand, took bread and wine and gave thanks. These days, most of us find ourselves in circumstances that we never wanted or imagined. How can we start making a habit of thankfulness, today? How can we be fully present in these uncomfortable, unprecedented moments instead of wasting them in distraction or anxiety?

One thing that I have often given thanks for is the two perfect days that Elissa and I spent in France before the country went on lockdown. I had stressed about finding our luggage and rental car in a foreign airport, making it through customs with my exceedingly limited French, getting separated from Elissa in the mayhem, navigating the highways, jet lag…yet the actual logistics of our arrival were an absolute dream. Our flight was nearly empty and there were no lines at the airport (because, Corona). In record time we were snug in our rental car, cruising down country roads beside cow pastures and meandering brooks and driving through storybook towns, each more adorable than the last.

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Long before we tired of the scenery, we had arrived at our destination: the gorgeous Aigle Noir Hotel facing the gates of Fontainebleau, a magnificent palace frequented by Marie Antoinette and Napoleon. After traveling through big cities where masks were beginning to make normal appearances and people everywhere whispered about the threatening virus, it was such a relief to arrive in a small village where locals sprawled leisurely at sidewalk cafes, kissed each other in greeting, and shopped in the marketplace. “Business as usual,” though short-lived, was comforting and gave us the opportunity to have a short but immensely sweet taste of authentic France.

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Elissa immediately tried to order room service…

Elissa immediately tried to order room service…

Heading out on the town with my trusty sidekick.

Heading out on the town with my trusty sidekick.

We settled in to our palatial hotel room, changed out of our overnight-flight clothes, and set out to explore the town. Elissa immediately took possession of an adorable antique carousel in front of the hotel. We meandered through market stalls straight out of the movies — even the butcher’s chickens still sported their heads and feet, as Julia Child had warned me to expect. We bought a baguette from a boulangerie, cheese from a fromagerie, and chocolate from a patisseire, and had a simple but satisfying picnic that just tasted of France. The breakast buffet the next morning was a sight to behold: baskets piled high with fresh baguettes and croissants, tiny pots of jam, honey, and mayonnaise, juices, charcuterie, individual coffee and tea service, and a self-serve omelette/egg poaching station because obviously every French person is a home chef. I was so busy covertly watching and copying all the diners that I didn’t end up eating very much!

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At a flower stall in the market, with my arms full of fresh French purchases…I honestly thought I’d died and gone to heaven.

At a flower stall in the market, with my arms full of fresh French purchases…I honestly thought I’d died and gone to heaven.

After breakfast we strolled across to breathtaking Fontainebleau. The ornate ballrooms and bedchambers were nearly empty; signs everywhere warned us to stay one meter away from others and forecasted that the castle would close indefinitely in two days. It was increasingly obvious that things were about to change, and I was so thankful that we’d made it in on the crest of a tidal wave, able to experience some normalcy to start off our stay.

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That afternoon we drove to Sancerre, a hilltop mountain town in the Loire Valley surrounded by vineyards and a winding river. We found the 400-year-old chateau that hosted our language school, climbed a winding stone staircase to our lovely “Margeaux” apartment, and made ourselves at home in the sleepy little town. After unpacking we set out for our first (and, unbeknownst to us, only) restaurant meal in town: a sort of Last Supper before everything changed. We’d been told that pizza in France is good…but oh my, I was not prepared for the heaven that arrived at our table accompanied by an enormous salad. The simplest pizza was transformed into something out of cheese heaven: fresh, creamy blue, goat, gruyere, and I don’t even know what were piled in oozy layers on a decadent crust and served with knives and forks, as they do in France. We dug in. We feasted. And I had the distinct thought: even if we had to turn around and go home right now, I wouldn’t be too disappointed. I’d be able to say that we had experienced France.

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It was a good thing too, because we arrived back home to an email from the language school: the president had just shut down the country, our language classes were canceled, and all businesses were closed until further notice. The tentative end date is May 11, but no one really knows how long this will last. And so, while we thank God for small blessings like lilacs and audiobooks and art projects and French chocolate, I continue to relive the beauty we’ve already seen and dream of future adventures…

PTSD

“In the world’s finale, something so precious will come to pass that it will comfort all resentments, atone for all crimes, and justify all that has happened.” - Dostoevsky

Empty streets, silent save for the occasional piercing scream of an ambulance siren. Long, somber lines of people shrouded in face masks and gloves, spaced six feet apart in grocery store queues. Furtive glances, averted eyes, pedestrians crossing to the other side of the street to stay as far away from each other as possible. The ghost-like silence of this town feels apocalyptic, and triggers the same sense of panic that followed the traumatic loss of my husband five years ago. I know I’m not the only one battling a sense of PTSD as this pandemic rages. Phantom physical symptoms after going out in public, and very real emotional symptoms, prove what a deadly disease this is - even to those who are never infected. The new level of global suffering and uncertainty can create a fear deeper than mere isolation: no one ultimately has answers, and no one knows how long it will last.

As I scan the headlines, taking stock of each day’s new death tolls, restrictions and recommendations, the same thoughts beat out an all-to-familiar medley in the back of my mind, taking me back in time to the first months after Nathan died. This is senseless. There’s nothing anyone can do to fix it. We’re all stuck on a runaway train going God-knows-where. What is “trust” supposed to look like now? Where on this earth can true safety and security be found?

Maybe you can relate to one or more of these thoughts. Maybe the fear and uncertainty, even more destructive than the actual virus, have taken root in your mind and burrow ever deeper and more paralyzing. This thing came out of nowhere with the shock and force of a hurricane, and no one was prepared. And like a world caught off-guard, I was utterly unprepared to lose my husband suddenly at 26. Nothing in my life could have hinted at this, the end of all we had built together, the utter loneliness and despair. The questions, anger, grief, and fear tormented me relentlessly. My faith was wrecked, and rebuilding it on a new foundation that included the worst suffering was a long, arduous, and tortuously slow process.

Now, five years later, with a faith refined and strengthened by the fires of suffering, I can wholeheartedly attest to the words of Lamentations 3, even as once-solid earthly foundations crumble and give way:
”The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’” (Lamentations 3: 21-23)

If I’m honest, it was years after Nathan died before I could imagine ever quoting these verses again. Promises from the Bible felt like a slap in the face. I couldn’t reconcile hope with the personal hell I was living. My testimony is not that I survived the loss of my husband. My testimony is that I despaired of life itself…but God. I was a broken, angry, lifeless shell of a person…but God. I was afraid, tortured, with no idea where to turn…but God. He was faithful then, and He is faithful now. Yesterday, today, and forever, He is unchanging. He is sovereign, and He is good. The worst atrocities of this life cannot change that reality, and the glorious eternity awaiting all of us who love Him.

Reminding myself of where I’ve been and the truth that I now cling to is a daily battle. Every day that we walk out our door onto empty streets, surrounded by barred windows, face masks and police, I have a choice: will I succumb to PTSD, reliving the fears and triggers of past trauma? Or will I choose to cling to the One who has proven Himself faithful time and time again? This Sunday we will celebrate the resurrection of Him who defeated death. Our worst enemy has been eternally conquered; even earthly suffering and death results in an eternal victory when we finally behold our Savior face to face. The result of such a hope? As Franklin D. Roosevelt famously proclaimed during the dark days of a nationwide Depression: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

We know in Whom we have believed. We know where our true destiny lies. And so today and every day, Elissa and I are committed to choose joy. We will choose hope. We will shine a beacon of light to others cowering in darkness. My prayer is that they will be drawn to our light like moths to a flame, and that we will have daily opportunities to say, “Taste and see…He is good.

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A New Normal

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the wildflower-dotted fields of southern France are begging to be explored…and we are entering Week Three of French lock-down. The government announced an extension until April 15, which means no movement outside the home for a full month, except for taking approved short exercise or a solo trip to the grocery store for essentials. We managed to make it to an apartment we’d rented in the south, where we’ll stay indefinitely until all this blows over. We are beyond thankful to be near old friends and new, practicing French with our host and reuniting with my dear friend Chelsea’s parents at the local grocery store (a 1-meter distance was carefully observed!).

Our sunrise journey through the mountains to the south.

Our sunrise journey through the mountains to the south.

At the home of our host, Marie-Pierre.

At the home of our host, Marie-Pierre.

Learning French with Marie-Pierre in her jardin.

Learning French with Marie-Pierre in her jardin.

Living through a tumultuous, historical time while traveling abroad is complicated, unnerving, and sometimes downright uncomfortable. The language barrier takes social distancing to another level. I miss being able to put our dishes in the dishwasher and our clothes in the dryer. I miss luxuriating in a long, hot shower after a hard day. I miss the faces of dear ones back home, our cozy condo, walks around our neighborhood and favorite staples at Trader Joe’s. But I’m learning so much from watching Elissa embrace each new day’s trials and triumphs with boundless enthusiasm. Her joie de vivre is contagious; she is thriving in this new unencumbered life.

Every familiar luxury that we’re now living without reminds me of exactly why I wanted to take this trip in the first place. Sure, I wanted to learn French and buy daily fresh baguettes and visit vineyards and chateaux. But more than that, I wanted to learn a different way of living. I wanted to practice doing without so many American “essentials,” slow the hectic pace of life, and show Elissa that the way we do things is just one of a million different ways of living. Little did I imagine that this trip would take place right in the middle of a global pandemic. Whether we planned to or not, millions of us are now being forced to learn a different way of life. No one knows how long the tests and quarantines and social distancing will last, but I’m convinced that we will emerge from this crisis with new eyes, living a New Normal. And I am hopeful that this Normal will be more substantial, more authentic, more intentional and gratitude-infused than ever before.

Almost overnight, life became quieter and more simple than anything I can remember before. All the extras have been stripped away. There is no schedule to keep, no commitments to rush to, no need to put on makeup, no tasks pulling me in a hundred directions at once. I want to take full advantage of this season of simplicity. Even when most of our normal life choices have been temporarily denied us, we can still choose between drowning out reality in the noise of media, or silencing the clamor of news and entertainment to be fully present with our loved ones. For once in my life I can take some deep breaths and just BE. I can revel in the pure, unbridled joy on the face of my daughter when I play tag with her, help dress her doll, read her a story or color with her. It brings me to tears when I realize that, while much of the world is riddled with fear and anxiety, these are some of the best days of Elissa’s life…because she’s with me. Me! Who cares whether the dishes are done or if I don’t take a single Instagram-worthy photo because I’m too busy playing hide-and-seek? May these historic moments of isolation be opportunities for meditation…on what is meaningful in life, and what new habits we can form now that will redefine us when we all re-emerge one day into a New Normal.

Only in France does “essential shopping” include a walk to the boulangerie for the day’s fresh baguette!

Only in France does “essential shopping” include a walk to the boulangerie for the day’s fresh baguette!

Elissa’s invention: Carrot Soup (she does not recommend it).

Elissa’s invention: Carrot Soup (she does not recommend it).

The breakfast she made for me: baguette (bread is obviously the highlight of our days), veggies, apricots, pretzels, and a vitamin.

The breakfast she made for me: baguette (bread is obviously the highlight of our days), veggies, apricots, pretzels, and a vitamin.