“Out of these ashes, beauty will rise…” | Stephen Curtis Chapman
Seven October 5ths have passed since our lives changed forever. Every year this day has brought heavy sorrow; crippling memories of the beautiful life that was shattered in the instant that our beloved Nathan was taken from us. October 5 has been a sacred day of pain and memory. Today, seven years later, feels different somehow. The pain is ever-present and will be part of my life forever. Each new friendship and circumstance carries with it the stamp of longing: If they only knew him, they’d understand. And they’d know me, too. Yet on this day, my predominant emotion isn’t pain, but thankfulness. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for all that God has done and been to us these past seven years. Psalm 66:5 says: come and see what He has done for us…
Seven is the biblical number of completion, of fruitfulness and future-orientation. It is overwhelming to think back over the past seven years of brokenness and fragmented existence with the realization that I am healed. I am whole. I live a beautiful life and I lack nothing. My life brims with friendships, purpose, fulfilment, and meaning. I am very aware that this is a rare testimony, and all I can do is point to Him. He has crafted beauty from ashes, and supplied abundant hope, joy, and peace that I thought were lost forever.
Elissa is now seven; her birthday almost simultaneous with the loss of Nathan. It is inexplicable how she manifests Nathan without remembering him. All I can say is she carries his DNA: his winsomeness, strategic thinking, love for people, passion, energy, humor, far-sightedness, and beautiful tan. To know Elissa is to know her daddy. She lives with a forever longing that will not be fulfilled this side of heaven, and yet she is healthy. She is incandescently happy; she is free. She lives and loves wide-open; she is a tidal wave of joy and adventure. From the outside, her life makes no sense. She should be wounded, and lacking the things that only a father can give. And yet the void has been filled to overflowing. Another man hasn’t stepped in to father her; dozens of them have. Grandfathers and biological uncles and adopted ones and friends, who have known her for one year or seven, have given her a part of their hearts and invested untold amounts in her. Many of them never even met Nathan, and yet my girl is loved on more than most. All this earthly love cannot compare to the hand of her heavenly Father, who has shepherded and guided her since before she knew of His existence. Our story is a testimony to the continuous fulfillment of God’s promises: He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with good things (Ps. 107:9). He sets the lonely in families (Ps. 68:6). He carries His lambs in His arms, holding them close to His heart (Is. 40:11).
Nate…my beautiful boy. In four short years of marriage you set our family on a trajectory that will carry us through until the day that we’re eternally reunited. Each day of my life for the past seven years has been a love song to you: all that you are and all that you lavished on me. You gave all that you had, your myriad gifts and all your love and devotion, to your girls. We will never be able to thank you enough for embodying excellence in all things. There is no one like you, and the short years that we had together have forever filled my cup to overflowing. Knowing you was to know that God is good, all the time, and that He gives the best gifts. Your absence today doesn’t change the fact that you are the absolute greatest thing that ever happened to me. I will love you and anticipate our reunion for the rest of my life.
To our precious family and friends scattered around the globe: in my darkest moments of loneliness and grief, I never could have imagined that we would be enveloped and carried by a literal multitude. Your love has held us up when we could not stand. We are here today, healthy, happy, and whole, because you did not give up. You did not forget. I long for the day that Nate and I are together in heaven, our family reunited for eternity, and I get to introduce him to each of you who never met him in this life. I can see him giving you a handshake - no, a bear hug - as his gratitude overflows in that million-dollar smile to you who were the hands and feet of Jesus to his girls when he couldn’t be. I hope that someday we get to thank each of you in person for carrying us in prayer and support over the past seven years. And I hope that when you see us, you see Jesus. My heart cry is that He will shine through us in every smile, every conversation, every laugh and adventure and shared memory. All that we are and accomplish in life is for Him and through Him and because of Him.
With all our love and gratitude,
Jen & Elissa
